oh brain, why are you bothering me

I really enjoy writing... at least I use to. there is something that happens when you write that seems to clarify things, make life make sense. It's been a hard year. I hate writing that because it sounds so defeated to me, but the truth is it just has. Clarifying moments of your life often means admitting things you don't want to... maybe that's why it's so hard to write lately. It's been hard because things I wanted and hoped for haven't happened, hard because God is bringing me closer to this fear thing than he ever has before. Hard because I realize that who I am and who I am called to become are really really far a part. farther almost than they have ever seemed before.
It seems to me that in life you have two choices... to avoid frustration and insanity. just follow me for a moment. when our perceived reality and our actual reality are different from each other our mind will subconsciously do everything in it's power to make the two correlate. even if that means believing a lie, or doing ridiculous things. We like to be sain and frustration free, understandably. So lets say that you are capable (and what's more called) to live prosperously but instead you always seem to be struggling. your brain will do one of two things. 1)find a way to live in prosperity or 2) decide that it was never meant to be that way in the first place and just getting by is acceptable. It has to do this, for it's own preservation. That's it's job after all-to make things make sense. but the simple truth is that prospering takes more time, energy, and effort than believing that you are called to be average and living in meidocricy does. brain says "fastest way to sanity that's where I'm going"... and really do we blame the thing, it's just doing it's job. taking in the stimulus, deducing, and coming up with a solution. thank God for our brain, really. but God never really likes short cuts I'm finding. no he's all about that character building stuff. He gets us all stocked and excited about who we are called to be, and what he wants to do and than, well and then he looks to see what we are going to do with it. what is going to be anchored in place? is it the promise of prosperity, joy and peace? or will it be the current reality? Can I say that sometimes when I settle for the everyday I'm not as frustrated as when I'm dreaming big. truthfully. I've been through some hard seasons, and man where I am today is much better than other places I've been. And if I chose to believe that this is all God has for me, well my brain would certainly let me... after all things ARE good... but what about all those visions God? what about the promises? man. now I'm frustrated again. I hate being frustrated... oh what is a soul to do? I must anchor the vision so deep that the only option for my soul is to have the promises happen. I must trust that God is who he said he is. and that if I'm patient, my circumstantial reality will lineup with my perceived one. God We all need to see things a little more prophetically.